I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
