Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
