I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
