I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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