Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
