Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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