Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
