Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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