4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
