I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
