I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
