I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
