I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
