I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
