Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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