I hate all girls vehemently.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
