I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
