last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
