the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
