lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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