I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
