turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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