3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
