Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
