I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
