I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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