I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
