Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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