i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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