just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
