FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
