cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
