I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
