My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
