guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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