True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
