Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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