Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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