I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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