I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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