My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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