NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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