the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
