he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
