I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
