.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
