I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
did i just pee glitter
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
