I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
