Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
