Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
