tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
